After 10 Years…

A long time ago, back in 2002, I made myself a Fanfiction.Net account and it’s like a new world opened up to me. Even before that, I was unknowingly making fanfiction, writing them down in notebooks and journals and actually filling up a couple. Getting my fanfiction published online was exciting and fun and I got to meet new people and participate in fandom in a way that I never thought possible.

A decade and a bit later, here I am again, contemplating to try and write and publish fanfiction again; I am excited and intimidated as well as terrified. It’s just been so long and so far, what I’m coming up with is a bunch of crap. I’m always plagued with how I may never finish and people may not like what I write and it’s just very, very frustrating on top of the fact that I feel like nothing I write is good enough. But I’m still trying and I’m trying to psyche myself up. Of course everything’s going to suck. You haven’t tried writing creatively in forever, never mind attempting to write so many things all at once which is really what I have planned. Perhaps stupidly so, but I want to do so many things and if I don’t try and do them, when will I? So here is me trying and hoping with all my might that I’ll actually get things done.

I’ve tried to start up writing fanfiction again before but it never worked. Probably because I had no one who was watching but myself. Now I have support in the way of one of my friends and I’m hoping that her watching over my progress would be the boost that I need.

…I have been staring at the screen for five minutes and it’s 11:30pm here. I think it’s time for bed, haha. There will be time to write more tomorrow.

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The NaBloPoMo Experience

It’s the last day of the work week, the last day of the month and the last day of NaBloPoMo. So how was it, you ask? Has anything changed? What have you learned? And will you keep on blogging every day from now on? Good questions all and let me answer them one by one.

So how was it?

It was hard some days, easy on others, though I really have to say that blogging everyday is not easy. For one thing, the past few weeks have been grueling in terms of work and emotions. There were some really bad days when I didn’t really feel like writing, just wanted to sit back and relax and just quit. Just stop blogging for the day. But I always told myself, “Nooooooo! You’ve come this far! Only a little more! Just post something. ANYTHING!” Hence the days when I couldn’t be bothered and just ended up posting a picture and a few words. Or there were really just some days when I had nothing of worth to say, so again, cheat with a picture or just force something out like a review or anything. Anything just to make a post. At times, I was happy and proud with what I’ve accomplished in the way of a really well-written post. At others, I agonized about just not getting it right or just not posting anything substantial. It was kind of bi-polar, kind of crazy, but I’m glad I went through with it.

Has anything changed?

Well, blogging everyday sure is a change. Before NaBloPoMo, this blog had less than twenty entries, if I’m not mistaken. Now I’ve passed the 50-post mark and that’s cool. I thought it’d take longer to reach that mark but this month certainly helped. Also, I think I’ve gotten used to the routine of blogging again and I hope I can sustain it well after today. Blogging regularly, if not everyday, is a good practice, I think. I’m not sure if I can blog everyday, but I do want to continue to write everyday. The holidays are almost here and I have to work on gift fics so this was a good practice to get into the writing groove.

What have you learned?

That I can blog everyday if I wanted to! And I should probably write more reviews, because I actually enjoy doing that. And I am still learning to read over everything before posting first, but then again, I don’t think anyone can completely be able to proofread their own work and not miss a mistake just after writing everything. Another thing I learned is to just go for it. Just write what I want to and not care too much about what others may think.  Also, getting to 500 words is not as hard I thought it would be.

Will you keep on blogging everyday from now on?

I’m not sure. I don’t know if I can do it because yeah, as I said, it’s not everyday that I have anything bloggable to post. I think I’d like to give it a try, though, but at least I won’t be as pressured to post as the past month. If there’s nothing good to blog then I won’t and spare people who follow me a nonsensical post. I would, however, do my best to write something everyday.

Look at how short the last answer has become, haha. I am hungry and I think I can end it here. Thank you so much to my new followers and silent readers. I hope to continue producing quality blog posts in the future.

Later! 😀

Elevation

This used to hold an entry of a list of things that I am currently packing to take with me to Tagaytay. It contained about 9 items and included things like my iPod and my Kindle, you know, things I usually bring with me anyways. And this was a topic that other people have written about before in a much more enthusiastic and personal way that I now currently feel like I couldn’t. So I had to delete it.

I couldn’t handle it.

It actually felt painful and shameful that that entry existed and there was this intense, visceral, dirty feeling as I let it sit on my blog for the few minutes that it did.

I wrote it down just because it was something I was doing at the time.

I didn’t feel like writing today at all. I didn’t feel like I could do it. Nothing was coming to mind and all I wanted to do was hang out and just not think about writing anything.

So I wrote something just to say that I posted today. I typed it up quickly (no sweat at all, really) and then posted it. Even if it felt ickier and ickier as I went along. Even when it felt totally wrong and not me after I finished and clicked that blue button to the right. It was worse than posting up a picture and typing down some words under it.

At least those pictures and words, minimal as they were, actually sounded true and relevant. Something I really wanted to say and something I felt that needed to be said.

I think I’ve gone beyond blogging just for the sake of blogging now.

I realize this now and I have a feeling things will never be the same after November and NaBloPoMo.

Who would have thought?

Am I Up to the (Blogging) Challenge?

Remember that entry where I said I was going to be joining NaNoWriMo? Yeah, that’s… Not really going to happen. Because I’m a spaz who let Real Life get away with tugging her around and thus no decent preparations were made for NaNoWriMo. I mean, admittedly, I pretty much used to just go gung-ho on writing. I just go ahead and sit down a write, not thinking about outlines and stuff. But for something as intense and focused as NaNoWriMo is supposed to be? I don’t think that technique’s going to be possible. So maybe next year.

I swear, I felt a bit down about it. After psyching myself up for it so much, I ended up not doing it anyway. I think I had a lot riding on joining NaNoWriMo this year. It wasn’t just about having fun writing until I gave out. It was supposed to be something for me to do. Something new, something exciting. And I wanted NaNoWriMo merch because they looked so cool! But alas. Again, maybe next year.

And then I discovered NaBloPoMo.

I think the concept behind NaBloPoMo aka National Blog Posting Month is related to NaNoWriMo except that it’s for blogging. Basically, you need to post on your blog everyday for the whole month of November. That’s it. It sounds easy, definitely easier than churning out 50,000 words for a novel within a month. Or at least maybe a lot of people may think so. How hard is it to type down some words? Post a picture and write about it? It’s your blog. There’s not even a rule on content. You just have to blog everyday for the whole of November. And I tell you, the idea of blogging everyday if you’re not used to it is daunting. But I am still one of those people who think blogging an entry everyday is easier than coming up with 50,000 words for a whole month, so I signed up.

Prepare to be bombarded with my thoughts and ramblings for the next  month, guys. I really plan to see this through. Wish me luck. I’ll try to make it as painless as I can for both of us.

Tumblr Gives Me IDEAS

Tumblr has succeeded in swallowing me up. It’s awful, haha. However, I was able to find some cool stuff, like a list of historical documentaries, writing prompts, a post about introversion and this really cool mix of Gangnam Style. I also get to answer memes, though not often. I don’t have that many followers to be interested enough in giving me prompts, I guess. Elise responded to one, though, and I answered it! It’s about the three people that I think are awesome. I thought I’d post it here too:

Soooo late, I’m sorry. D: Anyway! This post is in answer to this meme, which I posted  some days ago. You put in Prussia and that means I have to list 3 People That I Think Are Awesome.

  1. Misha Collins. Honestly, Tom Hiddleston was supposed to be put here in his place just for being probably the sweetest man, a talented actor and for being God of Tumblr, but then I remembered Misha Collins. Misha Collins is most popularly known as Castiel from Supernatural. He’s also known to be off the wall and really, really cool with his fans. He’s very eccentric and funny. He once tweeted in Filipino. He posts funny pictures about himself and sometimes involving the Supernatural cast. He’s just so goofy and a lot of fun. And then you find out he set up a non-profit organization to help out over at Haiti. Awesome person? YES.
  2. Jose Rizal. National Hero of the Philippines and this is still being debated on. I’m not here to defend him and tell you why I think he should really be the Philippines’ National Hero because honestly, I am not 100% convinced that he should be either. But I can’t help admiring this man. He’s an inspiration, the one considered the First Filipino. How I would love to have even just an iota of his brilliance and ambition. Have you seen his credentials and achievements? GAH.
  3. My Mom. Cliche answer, probably, but can you imagine what my Mom has been through, what she’s still going through? We lost Tatay three years ago and even before that she was the breadwinner of the family. On top of that, her job has been in trouble the past two years or so because her company hasn’t been doing too well. And then she’s putting Noel through Nursing school and she shouldered the expenses for my hospitalization and everything since I got sick two years ago, too. But she’s still smiling, she’s still cheerful. If I were in her place, I think I would have broken. Seriously. I don’t know how she does it. She’s just AWESOME.

I hope I get more responses to memes, haha. They’re really fun and I always need prompts to express myself, really.

And speaking of expressing myself, particularly through writing, NaNoWriMo is just around the corner. For those who don’t know, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month and basically what you’re supposed to do if you enter is you have to finish a 50,000-word novel in one month. Sounds pretty hardcore, right? Well, for me, who has barely written a real story in forever, it damn well is! I always hear about it year after year, but it’s only now that I feel the urge to actually give it a try. WHICH IS CRAZY because I have no plot, no ideas, no nothing. And what about time, right?? Ah, but a little, annoying voice in my head is saying all these are just excuses and are thus UNACCEPTABLE. So I don’t know, really. But I have to admit this is really nagging at me and so.

AAAAAAAH. /SPAZZES

(SOMEONE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN ON TUMBLR TOO MUCH. SEE THE AFFECTION FOR ALL CAPS.)

Also related to writing. I am also getting this wicked urge to make notes. Like, take a pen and physically start writing on something. I wrote down my meds list for the next two weeks and that gave me an ungodly sort of glee that shouldn’t be possible over something as mundane as writing with a pen and paper. But there was glee. It was kind of embarrassing, haha. This reminds me of when I used to first write my fanfiction drafts longhand in my tiny, cramped, computer print-like handwriting before typing them all up in my old computer. Those were the days and this NaNoWriMo thing is giving me back that excitement. I’ll probably end up writing fanfiction again, which is kind of embarrassing for some reason. BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO. Maybe it’s embarrassing because by now you would think I have gone past the fanfiction “phase” by now. But no. That’s not quite happening. It’s kind of sad, you know? Here I am, wanting to write this novel or whatever, but alas, no original ideas come to mind…

Fandom and Tumblr, this is what you do to me. You give me crazy, exciting ideas and make me type in all caps.

I HOPE YOU’RE BOTH HAPPY.

Everyday I’m Tumblr-in’

Well, no, not really. Not yet? I just got a Tumblr last Sunday after thinking about it forever and so far the experience has been… Entertaining. XD; I have to say that I agree that it has a way of really eating away at your time and life and it’s hard to get away! Especially because of all the things that you can find like pretty pictures. I’ve already found really nice pictures of RDJ, Chris Evans, Jude Law (favorite personal tag is “tangina ang pogi” HAHAHAHA) and Hetalia stuff. Looking for themes can be quite exhausting but then again that isn’t anything new to me.  I’ve found one I really like easily enough, though, so that’s great. I find it interesting, too, that some Tumblr themes are also adapted for WordPress. Lord knows I was tempted to use the same theme I have here for my Tumblr. Just to be consistent. 😛

A lot of fandoms seem to have migrated to Tumblr and I’ve been having a blast following my favorite fanfiction authors and getting access to stuff that they don’t publish on their FF.net or AO3 accounts. I guess in some ways it’s easier to just put everything on Tumblr instead of the fanfiction sites because they can include notes about their writing, etc. and no one would hardly complain. It gives you access to their ideas and writing process and it’s all just very fascinating. Well, I find it fascinating because I used to write fanfiction (I kind of… Still do? Aha. Sometimes!) and most everything that involves writing for a fic interests me. Admittedly, it’s similar to how things were like in Livejournal before, but I guess Tumblr adds a visual dimension to things so it makes things more enriched somehow.

Stalking my favorite fanfiction authors have also made me think about writing fanfiction again. I look into their Tumblrs and I miss the feeling of being able to write for myself as well as fandom and getting to know people through what I write. I met a lot of really great people when I wrote for other fandoms before and I just thought it would be nice if I could do that again. So yes, hopefully those are other things I can do.

Get back into fandom.

Start writing fanfiction again.

I think it’d be great fun.

A Writing Exercise

The other day I was supposed to wait somewhere for my Mom as she went to a funeral. She left me at a Red Ribbon branch after we had lunch there and she was supposed to be away for an hour. Now, normally this wouldn’t really be a problem. I was always equipped with things to keep me busy while I wait. Entertainment has become more portable nowadays and I had my Kindle and my iPod to keep my occupied usually. That day was one of those days when I completely forgot to bring my Kindle and I didn’t feel like sticking in my earphones to listen to music. For all of technologies advances, it still falls to people themselves to remind themselves, one way or another, of things that they should not leave the house without. If only my Kindle has a way of reminding me not to leave it whenever I step out. It doesn’t though, so I was left Kindle-less for that trip and I worried about what I would do for an hour left to myself.

While I was really worrying about that, I couldn’t help but feel kind of strange. Has my dependency on technology robbed me of finding enjoyment in the simple things? Possibly. I mean, my laptop is my constant companion. If I go on long trips, it comes with me. It has everything in it to keep me occupied for days on end, given that I don’t feel like socializing. Barring that and on shorter trips, I always had my Kindle and my iPod to keep me occupied. So what do I do when I don’t have my laptop or my Kindle and I didn’t feel like listening to music?

Thank goodness I had a new notebook in my bag and some pens. I had to fall back on the old traditional way of occupying myself: writing. So I did. I had no topic in mind, no actual direction. I just wrote and wrote and somehow it all just came together. It was just a stream of consciousness for the most part. I wrote about writing, starting from when I was just nine years old and had no idea what I was doing when I was actually writing Sailor Moon fanfiction. I wrote about getting my writing groove on while I was at school and losing it after starting work and getting swallowed by it. I wrote about my attempt at perfectionism that soon killed all will to write because it had just gotten so hard, like a chore. Then I wrote about writing again, about letting go of pretensions and just writing, about finding the joy in it again. I sat there hunched over my notebook and a pen, hardly pausing, as I took bites here and there of my chicken empanada.

It’s a small notebook and my handwriting is small and cramped and I didn’t care for following the lines. After Mama came back 30 minutes earlier than she should have, I was done writing–my little stream of consciousness actually had a point– and I filled up one and a half pages of my notebook. For me, it was an achievement, much like each blog entry I finish and publish online. Actually being able to write with pen and paper and finishing it was something that I hadn’t really done in a long time and it gave me a sense of nostalgia, of how it felt like to be young while you’re doing something you love with no reservations. It was a good feeling and I was glad I was able to revisit that moment, especially when I felt old and uncertain.

From that exercise, I guess I could say that I’m not a total lost case when it comes to being dependent on my gadgets. At the same time, I can also say that I can still manage the effort to physically write something out, which is a really big improvement given how I was just a few months ago, when I was lazy and didn’t even deign to try.

There’s hope for me yet.