“Trial by Fire”

According to Wikipedia, “trial by fire” could also mean “trial by ordeal, by which the guilt or innocence of the accused is determined by subjecting them to a painful task”. That has certainly been what it was like this past week at work. No one was being put to trial to see who was guilty or innocent but it still felt like we were being roasted. It was like everything went straight to Hell and everything was going wrong. It was a crazy case of Murphy’s Law and I wanted nothing more than for the agony to end.

Obviously, it did. Sort of. I’m at home now and I don’t have to deal with anything work-related for the next two days or so. Or at least not physically. Mentally and psychologically, however, I will continue to be bothered, I just know it. I’m just the type to overthink things and keep myself up at night going over things that happened and what had been said. Of what could have been done better or what I could have said instead.

I just feel so exhausted and stressed. I think I cried myself to sleep at least once this week. It’s that horrible and I’ve cried myself to sleep a couple of times before but I don’t think I’ve had felt this awful in a while. Right now, I just have so much nervous energy and it’s almost midnight. I might need some help getting to sleep.

Terrible week was terrible.

I hope next week will be better. I hope the rest of May will be too.

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Honestly?

I’ve just been thinking a lot about honesty today, like, how honest are we really?

Our society seems to thrive on not being wholly ourselves.  At job interviews, we’re always advised to “put your best foot forward”, “keep it short (stupid)” and to just never give your possible new employer everything that you are in one sitting. This applies to a lot of other aspects of our lives when it comes to dealing with people. We’re not to say too much about ourselves lest we make others uncomfortable. We’re also not to ask about certain things lest we make others uncomfortable too. We should be careful about what we post online, what we say or do out in public. There are things such as delicacy and discretion and respect and it seems to keep things peaceful, a nice, stable status quo.

Now, I understand how all this makes sense. Surely we try our best to be nice so as everyone gets along. There should be order and all that. Why would you hire an employee who would be bad for the company? Why would you befriend someone unpleasant? Why try and destroy the delicate balance of peace we’ve all got going on? I get it. Really. I do.

But sometimes, you have to wonder. Are people happy with keeping the peace? Do people ever get tired of just not being honest so that they can live unhindered, stable lives? Don’t they get tired of saying one thing but thinking another? Of thinking about what others think of them all the time? Of just not being themselves?

I do and I wish it were that easy to stop living a lie.

I think, if I became really honest, I won’t have friends. No one will like me. Heck, I don’t even like myself a lot of the time, so why would other people? Stockholm Syndrome, maybe? I don’t know, but I just feel that if people actually knew what I think a lot of the time, what I’m capable of doing if I let myself, they wouldn’t like me at all.

And so I keep it all to myself. I like being liked. I like being secure. I like not being alone even though at times it’s grating to be amidst so many people and so much activity.

Do you have what it takes to be completely honest? I envy you if you do because I’m just not that brave to be.

To Blog Again

I already have a personal blog over at Livejournal, but it has been forever since I last updated it. So much has happened since I last posted there and somehow I’ve lost touch with it. Somehow, the person who put most everything about herself in those digital pages just didn’t seem like me anymore. Things have changed and perhaps it’s just time to move on to another place and start anew.

I already have a food blog here at WordPress and it’s going well, despite writer’s blocks and real life. I’m writing again after a long drought and I feel relieved, alive. Perhaps this really is the new place to be and so this blog is now here.

Don’t expect a lot of seriousness despite how it sounds like I’ve grown up. I like to think that I have in some ways, but not in all ways. I still like to watch anime and read YA books. Right now, I swoon with other fangirls of all ages over Chris Evans aka Captain America. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life aside from writing about how I love food. There are still so many uncertainties and at times I feel as if I’m wasting so much time. I could be doing so much more and yet here I am. Just me. Still me, but I’m starting to work my way into thinking that that’s really not so bad after all. I still have time. Just take each day as it comes.

Recently, I’ve realized how important writing and creating really are for me. I’ve never felt this alive in months. Maybe even years. It’s different when you’re just letting yourself type away most of whatever comes to mind and something uniquely you comes out of your efforts. I’ve missed that feeling and hopefully I’m able to sustain it.

So just give me this space to be self indulgent. This blog may probably just contain a lot of my usual angst and silliness, but it’s my space, my time. Kaya nga Me Time ang title, di ba? Haha.

Just give me a chance.