Five Years

It still surprises me to remember that it’s actually been five years since my father passed away. I often fumble when people actually ask how long it’s been and I feel embarrassed when I can’t remember correctly or actually give a wrong answer. It’s probably something I should know without much thought. How can I forget the exact date when he passed on?

I guess I just don’t like thinking about it. I guess now in some ways I still can’t accept that he’s gone and we’re continuing on without him. Sure, I’m already used to not having him around, to only see him in photographs and sometimes in dreams, but there’s still that space in my life that I feel like he should still be occupying (which of course he does in his own way even when he’s not physically around). I guess no one is ever really prepared to lose a parent, no matter how you know it’s going to happen.

I still miss him a lot and I still think of what it could have been like if he were still alive today. It’s not as difficult as it used to be, to remember him, to think of him. But I guess I’ll always feel this way around this time of the year when we all go down and visit him. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I just wish in some ways it’s easier (and in other ways I like it the way it is, as sad as it can be).

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When My Body Says STOOOOP!

This morning, I felt this suspicious twinge of pain over the left side of my chest, just about over where my heart was supposed to be. I was immediately thrown into paranoid mode and I told my Mom about it. It didn’t take me long to decide that I had to have my doctor’s appointment today and so I decided to text my boss to tell him about it. I also told him that I may not be able to make it to work today.

I didn’t get to come to work at all. Aside from the fact that it was raining very hard and the streets were flooded, my doctor advised me to take at least a week off from work to rest. Aside from that twinge of pain, I have been experiencing chest pains lately and it’s due to Tietze’s syndrome, which is arthritis of the breast bone to rib joint (as explained more thoroughly by my doctor in her blog here). I brought blood test results with me to my doctor’s appointment today and it was noted that my ESR level was up, meaning that my MCTD was active, which also explained the Tietze’s syndrome. So basically it meant that my body was rebelling and I should take the time to stop and take a breather.

Things have been stressful and busy lately when it comes to life in general. Work is hectic and my weekends were booked with activities. It was kind of a surprise to me back then too how busy I was during the weekdays but then still be enthusiastic for weekend outings when before I practically had to persuade myself to go out and get a life. I guess I got too much of a life and so my body pulled on the brakes and did this. Now I have to slow down and I am not too enthusiastic about that.

Spending time going out has become a break and a reward from the crazy stress of the work week. I have come to love spending time with my family and friends and actually interacting with them face to face and not just through Likes or comment spams on Facebook. And of course there’s the food and the movies and other things that I enjoy that require other people to make it more fun. It’s just sad that I must again learn to cut down on those in order to better take care of myself.

I’ve started to take more steps into slowing down. Before my doctor’s appointment, I have started sleeping earlier and trying to eat healthier. I’ve also tried managing my stress better, moving around more, trying not to worry or care too much about things that I shouldn’t be worrying or caring too much about. I’ve also started to fix the schedule for taking my medications because that’s also important and I haven’t always been a good at that before. But I’m trying and it’s hard and it can be rather boring and frustrating because who likes sleeping early and eating right and taking meds but I guess it must be done so I can have my chest stop hurting and for my med dosage to go down and so I can spend more time with my family and friends and to just have a better quality of life in general.

…It still kind of sucks, though.

“Trial by Fire”

According to Wikipedia, “trial by fire” could also mean “trial by ordeal, by which the guilt or innocence of the accused is determined by subjecting them to a painful task”. That has certainly been what it was like this past week at work. No one was being put to trial to see who was guilty or innocent but it still felt like we were being roasted. It was like everything went straight to Hell and everything was going wrong. It was a crazy case of Murphy’s Law and I wanted nothing more than for the agony to end.

Obviously, it did. Sort of. I’m at home now and I don’t have to deal with anything work-related for the next two days or so. Or at least not physically. Mentally and psychologically, however, I will continue to be bothered, I just know it. I’m just the type to overthink things and keep myself up at night going over things that happened and what had been said. Of what could have been done better or what I could have said instead.

I just feel so exhausted and stressed. I think I cried myself to sleep at least once this week. It’s that horrible and I’ve cried myself to sleep a couple of times before but I don’t think I’ve had felt this awful in a while. Right now, I just have so much nervous energy and it’s almost midnight. I might need some help getting to sleep.

Terrible week was terrible.

I hope next week will be better. I hope the rest of May will be too.

Rainy Sundays Are Not Good For the Psyche

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” – Mary, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

The idea of this quote just played around in my head today. It’s just that I can relate to it so much nowadays. Not in the sense that there’s this guy that I like and I get rejected by seven different technologies, but I get it. I get it so much. It also applies to friendships, especially those that you only manage to have online.

Right now, there are so many social networking sites and a lot of people are members of at least three of them. Most of the time, you join them so you can keep in touch with your friends, coworkers, et cetera. That’s the main point of these things, really, but the funny thing is, no matter how connected we seem, we’re really not. Sure, you’ve added or friended these people, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that a genuine connection will spring from that action. Most days, you’re just another name and picture in their timeline, dashboard, friends’ list, whatever and you’re lucky if someone or a couple of people regularly respond or “Like” the things that you post.

I guess some people don’t make a big deal about it. Yeah, you’re one in more than a hundred in someone’s list of friends in a certain social networking site. It happens. You can’t expect people to notice you or focus on you all the time. Move on, loser. You can start worrying about other things. Better yet, why not go out and actually talk to people, huh? Make new friends or better yet, actually talk to the ones you already have. Stop moping about and thinking about things you can’t help or control.

But I do and it just makes me sad because it does feel like you’re being rejected or ignored when you do put yourself out there and no one responds. And in multiple platforms too. It just sucks. Really, really sucks and I sympathize with Drew Barrymore’s character because of that.

I wish I could have another Toffee Nut Latte. /sighs

UGH.

Long day was long. I spent most of it trying to get my boss’ visa requirements submitted and approved. We were successful with his Alien Employment Permit but not with his 9G Visa. We were too late for the cut off and apparently our requirements were incomplete. Then we were passed around as we tried to get a satisfactory answer on what the hell to do about our predicament. In the end, his Visa has to be downgraded and he has to apply for his 9G Visa again.

I don’t have enough patience to run these kinds of errands. They really need someone to do this for them. I’m just bad at dealing with people and government bureaucracy. Everything and everyone’s just a pain in the ass. And I am so sick of people telling us that we should have filed for his visa earlier. I know, okay? I KNOW.

And we probably took the longest jeepney ride of our lives from Quiapo to Edsa Extension. How did we get from Intramuros to Quiapo, you ask? Well, since it’s a three-day holiday this coming weekend, there’s traffic everywhere and we couldn’t get a taxi. We ended up taking a jeep to Quiapo to look for a better chance of getting home. Alas, the LRT was crowded and taxis were still hard to flag at that hour. Thank goodness for jeepneys that go all the way along FB Harrison. But still the traffic was awful and jeepneys are not the most comfortable of public transportation to ride. By the end of it, my boss and I were feeling pretty sick.

And have I mentioned how I’m tired of spending time with my boss? I am and before I have my coffee at lunch, I’m really tempted to type up a resignation letter so I can not spend time with him ever again.

Is there a happy ending to all this? Yes, sort of. I get to come later to work tomorrow and I got to eat a yummy pesto tofu burger at Burger Project again.

But I still don’t get a three-day weekend.

UGH.

I Think I May Have a Problem

…Well, no. I know I’ve always had a problem when it came to resisting the call of dropping some money for my own impulsive indulgences.

We dropped by the Noel Bazaar at the World Trade Center earlier this afternoon just to see what’s inside. We ended up spending quite a bit of money that we weren’t planning to spend. Or at least I wasn’t;  I don’t know about Mama. I even plan on going back this coming Friday so I can probably get my gift for the exchange gift and… Maybe another t-shirt. Or two. BECAUSE I BOUGHT THREE TODAY.

How obvious are my interests?

The new company shirt *COUGHCOUGHS*

In fairness, I can wear tshirts to work. Plus I have been complaining about not having enough tshirts recently. Buying three shirts at one go isn’t a bad thing, right?

That’s not the end of it, though. I walk around the bazaar a little more and Mama’s feet were starting to hurt. So we stop by this stall that sells shoes. She buys flats that I can also use when I want to later on as she rarely wears flats. Meanwhile, I ended up buying these:

They make my knees hurt after a while, but they’re nice with shorts or a short skirt.

I like the belt buckle things! And they were on sale! How was I to say ‘no’?! It’s freaking almost Christmas and my birthday!

And so I shall content myself with packed food until Thursday.

IT CAN BE DONE!

I Thought I Was Done

I’m writing this by the light of a candle on a planner that I think I will be using well into next year.

It has happened. An obstacle has come between me and almost completing a whole month of blogging. It’s worse than laziness or writer’s block as it’s something completely out of my control. It’s been 10 minutes and the lights are still out. Usually, lights would have come back on by now but that’s not the case tonight. I don’t know what’s going on. I wasn’t told that we would have a power interruption tonight so I’m not prepared for this at all.

I just stepped outside for a bit and it looks like our whole block doesn’t have any power. Children have wandered out into the street with what look like glow sticks, making noise and yelling as there’s really nothing else to do. Good luck to those who will attempt to sleep now. It’s not easy without electric fans to keep cool and to keep those pesky mosquitoes away.

Good luck to me who will be attempting to sleep in a bit, too, as there really is nothing else to do when it’s night and the lights are out.

No posting for me tonight.

What awful, awful luck.

Or so I thought! I thought I was done but 10 minutes ago, the lights came back on. I didn’t know about it until my brother came down dragging his laptop with him to fix the wi-fi. I’m not out of the race yet!

Let’s do this! 😀

But for now, it’s time for bed. I have work tomorrow and it’s going to be busy. And of course there’s more blogging to be done.