The Weight is the Issue

My weight has always been kind of an issue for me. I try not to talk about it too much but it’s really something that I think about a lot. I guess it’s because I’ve almost gotten back to the weight that I was back in College and that was when I was at my biggest.

I guess in some ways it’s good that I have gained the weight back because at least I’m not sickly. When I lost a lot of weight before, my immune system got shot and I suffered from a whole slew of health problems. I was sick all the time and I had what I felt like some kind of unidentified, undiagnosed eating disorder. I just didn’t want to eat and then I got sicker and sicker until I got so weak and sick I had to be hospitalized. I got diagnosed first with lupus then MCTD and things, as they say, are history.

So now I’ve gained back the weight and I’m not quite happy about it. I see old pictures of me when I was unhealthy and yet so thin and I miss those days. People tell me I look better like this and I also do my best to agree and say so but at times I just can’t help thinking I’d look and feel so much better if I lost some weight. It’s probably true. I do need to stop eating so much crap and start exercising again. But well, food is just so good and exercising is just so gross.

I’ve probably blogged about this before and I’ve always said that I would actually get up and start being healthier but the motivation always escapes me after a while and I find myself going back and munching on that piece of chocolate.

Such is my life.

Here Comes the PMS (And the K-Pop)

I’ve been feeling lethargic and anti-social these past few days and I can safely owe it to PMSing. It’s just that time of the month again and I feel absolutely wretched. Nothing seems better than sitting at home all day in your pajamas and just eat everything while watching your favorite shows.

And this reminds me that I am so behind in Agents of SHIELD and Supernatural…

Bweh.

Here, have a Sistar19 video.

And SNSD.

And finally… Super Junior.

Well. I kind of feel a bit better now, haha.

When My Body Says STOOOOP!

This morning, I felt this suspicious twinge of pain over the left side of my chest, just about over where my heart was supposed to be. I was immediately thrown into paranoid mode and I told my Mom about it. It didn’t take me long to decide that I had to have my doctor’s appointment today and so I decided to text my boss to tell him about it. I also told him that I may not be able to make it to work today.

I didn’t get to come to work at all. Aside from the fact that it was raining very hard and the streets were flooded, my doctor advised me to take at least a week off from work to rest. Aside from that twinge of pain, I have been experiencing chest pains lately and it’s due to Tietze’s syndrome, which is arthritis of the breast bone to rib joint (as explained more thoroughly by my doctor in her blog here). I brought blood test results with me to my doctor’s appointment today and it was noted that my ESR level was up, meaning that my MCTD was active, which also explained the Tietze’s syndrome. So basically it meant that my body was rebelling and I should take the time to stop and take a breather.

Things have been stressful and busy lately when it comes to life in general. Work is hectic and my weekends were booked with activities. It was kind of a surprise to me back then too how busy I was during the weekdays but then still be enthusiastic for weekend outings when before I practically had to persuade myself to go out and get a life. I guess I got too much of a life and so my body pulled on the brakes and did this. Now I have to slow down and I am not too enthusiastic about that.

Spending time going out has become a break and a reward from the crazy stress of the work week. I have come to love spending time with my family and friends and actually interacting with them face to face and not just through Likes or comment spams on Facebook. And of course there’s the food and the movies and other things that I enjoy that require other people to make it more fun. It’s just sad that I must again learn to cut down on those in order to better take care of myself.

I’ve started to take more steps into slowing down. Before my doctor’s appointment, I have started sleeping earlier and trying to eat healthier. I’ve also tried managing my stress better, moving around more, trying not to worry or care too much about things that I shouldn’t be worrying or caring too much about. I’ve also started to fix the schedule for taking my medications because that’s also important and I haven’t always been a good at that before. But I’m trying and it’s hard and it can be rather boring and frustrating because who likes sleeping early and eating right and taking meds but I guess it must be done so I can have my chest stop hurting and for my med dosage to go down and so I can spend more time with my family and friends and to just have a better quality of life in general.

…It still kind of sucks, though.

“Trial by Fire”

According to Wikipedia, “trial by fire” could also mean “trial by ordeal, by which the guilt or innocence of the accused is determined by subjecting them to a painful task”. That has certainly been what it was like this past week at work. No one was being put to trial to see who was guilty or innocent but it still felt like we were being roasted. It was like everything went straight to Hell and everything was going wrong. It was a crazy case of Murphy’s Law and I wanted nothing more than for the agony to end.

Obviously, it did. Sort of. I’m at home now and I don’t have to deal with anything work-related for the next two days or so. Or at least not physically. Mentally and psychologically, however, I will continue to be bothered, I just know it. I’m just the type to overthink things and keep myself up at night going over things that happened and what had been said. Of what could have been done better or what I could have said instead.

I just feel so exhausted and stressed. I think I cried myself to sleep at least once this week. It’s that horrible and I’ve cried myself to sleep a couple of times before but I don’t think I’ve had felt this awful in a while. Right now, I just have so much nervous energy and it’s almost midnight. I might need some help getting to sleep.

Terrible week was terrible.

I hope next week will be better. I hope the rest of May will be too.

Rainy Sundays Are Not Good For the Psyche

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” – Mary, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

The idea of this quote just played around in my head today. It’s just that I can relate to it so much nowadays. Not in the sense that there’s this guy that I like and I get rejected by seven different technologies, but I get it. I get it so much. It also applies to friendships, especially those that you only manage to have online.

Right now, there are so many social networking sites and a lot of people are members of at least three of them. Most of the time, you join them so you can keep in touch with your friends, coworkers, et cetera. That’s the main point of these things, really, but the funny thing is, no matter how connected we seem, we’re really not. Sure, you’ve added or friended these people, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that a genuine connection will spring from that action. Most days, you’re just another name and picture in their timeline, dashboard, friends’ list, whatever and you’re lucky if someone or a couple of people regularly respond or “Like” the things that you post.

I guess some people don’t make a big deal about it. Yeah, you’re one in more than a hundred in someone’s list of friends in a certain social networking site. It happens. You can’t expect people to notice you or focus on you all the time. Move on, loser. You can start worrying about other things. Better yet, why not go out and actually talk to people, huh? Make new friends or better yet, actually talk to the ones you already have. Stop moping about and thinking about things you can’t help or control.

But I do and it just makes me sad because it does feel like you’re being rejected or ignored when you do put yourself out there and no one responds. And in multiple platforms too. It just sucks. Really, really sucks and I sympathize with Drew Barrymore’s character because of that.

I wish I could have another Toffee Nut Latte. /sighs

UGH.

Long day was long. I spent most of it trying to get my boss’ visa requirements submitted and approved. We were successful with his Alien Employment Permit but not with his 9G Visa. We were too late for the cut off and apparently our requirements were incomplete. Then we were passed around as we tried to get a satisfactory answer on what the hell to do about our predicament. In the end, his Visa has to be downgraded and he has to apply for his 9G Visa again.

I don’t have enough patience to run these kinds of errands. They really need someone to do this for them. I’m just bad at dealing with people and government bureaucracy. Everything and everyone’s just a pain in the ass. And I am so sick of people telling us that we should have filed for his visa earlier. I know, okay? I KNOW.

And we probably took the longest jeepney ride of our lives from Quiapo to Edsa Extension. How did we get from Intramuros to Quiapo, you ask? Well, since it’s a three-day holiday this coming weekend, there’s traffic everywhere and we couldn’t get a taxi. We ended up taking a jeep to Quiapo to look for a better chance of getting home. Alas, the LRT was crowded and taxis were still hard to flag at that hour. Thank goodness for jeepneys that go all the way along FB Harrison. But still the traffic was awful and jeepneys are not the most comfortable of public transportation to ride. By the end of it, my boss and I were feeling pretty sick.

And have I mentioned how I’m tired of spending time with my boss? I am and before I have my coffee at lunch, I’m really tempted to type up a resignation letter so I can not spend time with him ever again.

Is there a happy ending to all this? Yes, sort of. I get to come later to work tomorrow and I got to eat a yummy pesto tofu burger at Burger Project again.

But I still don’t get a three-day weekend.

UGH.

PMS Most Probably Played a Huge Role in the Crazy Today

Today was kind of a yo-yo day. You know, that kind of day when one moment you’re high and the next you’re low. Today was like that and it was kind of exhausting.

I woke up feeling kind of inexplicably awful. Nothing aches or anything like that, but I just didn’t feel good. As I went through my morning routine, I just started thinking about work and effortlessly worked myself up to a bad mood. ‘Work’s been crazy nowadays. I’ve got so many things that I needed to do and not enough time to do them all, much less take substantial breaks. Good thing I was sort of distracted by Chef Bourdain’s Tumblr so I didn’t end up whipping myself into a fine, frothy rage before I even stepped into the office.

Work started out as it usually did. There was work and I slowly got down to being productive, but then my boss called and asked me to do something. Of course that wasn’t anything new but today it felt doubly irritating. I was going to be handed more work to do because someone was being sloppy about doing a job that was supposed to be theirs. I took deep, calming breaths and just went ahead and got started. I was pissed off, but I followed through. What else could I do? And then a few minutes later my boss called to say no need to do it as she did it already. You would not believe the feeling of relief that washed over me at that.

Lunch rolled around and it ended with an excellent half cup of coffee. Add this 90’s Pop and Dance Playlist and I was well and truly distracted but feeling quite happier than I was just a few minutes earlier. This happy mood carried me on through some meticulous and painstaking accounting work until I had to leave the office. I didn’t mind this errand so much as I knew it wouldn’t take long. I was done in under an hour, so I was soon going back to the office.

On the way back, though, I was almost swiped not once, but twice by speeding jeepneys. Pasay, I have a question for you. What are sidewalks? I bet your answer is “I don’t know” seeing as you lack them! UGH! Pasay. Why must you be so deprived of a lot of good things?! Gone was my good humor as I trudged back to the office.

Until I spied plushies being sold by the street. This cute little Iron Man plushie only cost P120 and a poor, forlorn, dirty (but washable!) Cinamoroll plushie was P75. Maybe I’ll come back for them come pay day. I like plushies even if I never really do anything with them. And did you know that McDonald’s now has Toffee Nut McFlurry?! I can’t wait to try one!

And then more bad news when I arrived at the office. More work was being heaped on me. My boss talked to me and said she knew how much work I was already doing but this added work was really, really important. I listened to her talk about things that I knew and understood, but just couldn’t accept then and there. I listened and tried my best not to cry. It was just too much already and I felt so sick of everything. I practically work non-stop after timing in and I hardly take breaks. Despite that, I barely get to finish enough of everything as it is. Now I had even more work on top of everything else…

No, today wasn’t really a good day though it had its moments. At least it ended with me laughing with my Mom…

I hope things are better tomorrow.