This used to hold an entry of a list of things that I am currently packing to take with me to Tagaytay. It contained about 9 items and included things like my iPod and my Kindle, you know, things I usually bring with me anyways. And this was a topic that other people have written about before in a much more enthusiastic and personal way that I now currently feel like I couldn’t. So I had to delete it.
I couldn’t handle it.
It actually felt painful and shameful that that entry existed and there was this intense, visceral, dirty feeling as I let it sit on my blog for the few minutes that it did.
I wrote it down just because it was something I was doing at the time.
I didn’t feel like writing today at all. I didn’t feel like I could do it. Nothing was coming to mind and all I wanted to do was hang out and just not think about writing anything.
So I wrote something just to say that I posted today. I typed it up quickly (no sweat at all, really) and then posted it. Even if it felt ickier and ickier as I went along. Even when it felt totally wrong and not me after I finished and clicked that blue button to the right. It was worse than posting up a picture and typing down some words under it.
At least those pictures and words, minimal as they were, actually sounded true and relevant. Something I really wanted to say and something I felt that needed to be said.
I think I’ve gone beyond blogging just for the sake of blogging now.
I realize this now and I have a feeling things will never be the same after November and NaBloPoMo.
Who would have thought?